Anxiety, Neurodivergence, and Parent Accommodations
One of the things I work on most frequently with parents of anxious kids is helping them to identify and reduce parent accommodations. Parent accommodations are defined as “changes that parents or other family members make to their own behaviors to help a child avoid or alleviate anxiety” (Lebowitz, 2021).
Some examples of parent accommodations for anxiety include:
Not going out in the evening or only having one particular babysitter
Participating in a child’s OCD rituals (hand-washing, checking)
Repeatedly answering questions or providing reassurance about a child’s persistent worry
While accommodating your child is a natural and instinctive reaction, it can lead youth to over-rely on their parents for coping and further reinforce a child’s avoidance of anxiety-triggering situations.
Here’s the rub: Many children with OCD or an anxiety disorder also have a form of neurodivergence (e.g., autism, ADHD, etc.). And while accommodating your child’s anxiety can make things worse, accommodating your child’s neurodivergent needs is often a GOOD thing.
So, how can you as a parent decide whether or not to accommodate your child?
Determine if the accommodation makes your child’s world bigger or smaller.
One of the biggest consequences of childhood anxiety is that it often leads children to opt out of enjoyable experiences. Example: Consider a middle-schooler who struggles with OCD whose parent accommodates them by sanitizing the family bathroom multiple times a day. Their child desires to go to sleepovers and other social gatherings, but avoids these situations because of their OCD symptoms. While they’re temporarily avoiding their distress, they’re also missing out on a more fulfilling life.
On the other hand, accommodations for a child’s neurodivergence can often allow a child to engage in life in ways that they wouldn’t be able to otherwise. One example of this is providing a sensory-sensitive child with headphones in a loud gymnasium so they can attend a sibling’s basketball game.
Recognize that neurodivergent children and teens may find connection in different ways.
As a society, we often project neurotypical expectations onto youth. Whether it’s participating in group sports, attending parties, or having a large group of friends, many of us have likely internalized some sort of definition of what is considered “normal” socializing and what is cause for concern.
There are many unique ways that neurodivergent children and teens can connect with others, whether it’s participating in a preferred interest with one close friend, or playing a sport that is geared towards individual performance.* While it’s important to encourage children to try new things, we also want to avoid forcing them to do activities simply because we believe it’s something all kids “should” do.
*That being said, neurodivergent people are NOT a monolithic group! The most important thing is to tune in to your individual child’s interests and needs.
By taking a flexible and sensitive approach to reducing parent accommodations, you can ensure that you reduce your child’s anxiety or OCD symptoms while also respecting their neurodivergence.
Interested in learning more? Check out my upcoming 6-week parent class series, “Parenting Your Anxious Child”. More information can be found here.
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Resources
Gary, J. (2024, August 7). How Schools Can Support Neurodiverse Students. Child Mind Institute. https://childmind.org/article/how-schools-can-support-neurodiverse-students/
Lebowitz, E. (2021). Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD: A Scientifically Proven Program for Parents. Oxford University Press.
Neff, M. A. (2024). Social Anxiety Vs. Autism. Neurodivergent Insights. https://neurodivergentinsights.com/social-anxiety-or-autism/